#HeForShe - Involving Men in Advocacy for Gender Equality

By Claire Bernstein, JCADA AWARE Educator, and Erynn Penn, JCADA Intern

Who should be involved in the fight for gender equality? Should men, women, or both care about this issue?

Last month, Emma Watson provided her answers to these questions when she spoke at the United Nations about the launch of a new campaign for gender equality, HeForShe. In her speech, Watson explained that the goal of this campaign is “to try and galvanize as many men and boys as possible to be advocates for gender equality.”

Directing her message to a male audience, Watson stated, “Men—I would like to take this opportunity to extend your formal invitation. Gender equality is your issue too.” Since then, her speech has stimulated conversations worldwide about the importance of including men in education and advocacy efforts about women’s rights, gender equality, and violence against women. In addition, the recent spotlight on the NFL and its handling of cases of domestic violence has prompted some people to highlight how both male and female athletes can be involved in helping to end domestic violence.

For our AWARE workshops, we include young men and boys in our programs because we agree with Watson’s message and believe in the power of both men and women to end dating violence and promote healthy relationships. In order to create social change, everyone needs to be educated about how dating abuse and unhealthy friendships impact individuals and our society.

In our workshop, It’s Not Love, we teach both boys and girls how to recognize the signs of dating abuse and how to speak up when they are concerned about a friend. Our new middle school workshop, #healthyfriendships, helps young boys and girls learn how to safely take a stand while navigating friendship issues. By teaching these messages, we are empowering both boys and girls to support victims of dating and domestic violence and encourage healthy friendships and relationships. It is powerful to see boys and girls talking together about important social issues and spreading positive messages about relationships.

Hopefully, the boys and girls who participate in our AWARE workshops will continue to take the lessons they learn about dating abuse and friendship issues to join others and advocate for the right for all men and women to be able to live happy, healthy, and safe lives. Watson’s speech reminds us that by men and women joining together to address gender inequalities and violence against women, we can create a more united and powerful coalition to solve the social issues we are facing.

Read Emma Watson’s full speech here.

Fact & Fiction: Learning About Healthy Relationships From Our Favorite Film Characters

By Claire Bernstein, JCADA AWARE Educator, and Erynn Penn, JCADA Intern

Books, movies, video games, and TV shows portray many different types of relationships. Although there are numerous shows and plotlines that exemplify unhealthy and violent dating relationships or friendships, there are others that serve as great examples for healthy relationships. It can be helpful to see how characters in movies, books, and TV shows work to maintain healthy relationships and friendships because this can often help us better understand the important qualities that we should strive for in our own relationships. 

Peter Olthoff, a clinician at Hope Works of Howard County, describes the lessons about relationships that we can learn from some of our favorite characters and movies.

Harry Potter 

According to Peter, in the Harry Potter book series, “There are strong examples of friendships, romantic relationships, parental relationships, [and] teacher relationships. On top of this, the lessons of fighting prejudice, showing love and respect, and perseverance against the evil in this world are all universal and critical, especially for maturing and developing young adults. 

“The overall theme is always one of pointing out that what matters is not the family a person is born into or the special abilities that he or she might have. It does not matter what they look like, what their gender is, or how much money they have. People are defined by their choices and their actions. This ties in directly to healthy relationships by battling the notion of victim blaming or the ‘she was asking for it by dressing that way’ mentality. By highlighting that all people deserve respect and that each person is responsible for their own choices, it undermines the entire mindset of power and control.”

Spider-Man

Spider-Man’s famous line is “With great power, comes great responsibility.”  Peter explains, “Many teens are facing times of transition and every Spidey storyline is about Peter Parker going through these new changes that come along with being both a teenager and a superhero. He is handed this new set of powers and skills, and he needs to learn how to develop those skills and use them in a healthy, functional, and responsible manner. Not unlike teens who are going through physical and emotional changes, the theme of how to behave in this whole new world of high school, romance, hormones, and relationships can be daunting.  He is far from perfect, but he and the audience can both learn from these mistakes as well as his successes.”

Spider-Man comics and movies also portray his relationship with Gwen Stacy, which Peter describes as a “positive relationship built on respect, communication, and trust.”  

Frozen

Crediting the movie with conveying one of the most important and meaningful messages of any Disney film, Peter highlights the positive impact of the animated tale. “Frozen sheds some great light on what healthy relationships are and what unhealthy relationships are. As teens are trying to figure out who they are and what kind of people they want to be, this movie provides important reminders about how to treat ourselves as well as those around us.” To read more about the relationship lessons we can learn about from Frozen, check out Peter’s blog. 

What other characters do you think exemplify healthy relationships? Tweet at @AWARENow with your examples!

Brave Miss World

By Natalie Mark, JCADA Summer Intern

In 1998, Miss Israel, Linor Abargil, stood on stage crying as she was crowned Miss World. While viewers watched her celebrate on television, Linor was suppressing trauma; six weeks prior to being crowned Miss World, Linor was violently raped in Milan, Italy, by an Egyptian-Israeli travel agent named Uri Shlomo.

Eleven years after her attack, Linor teamed up with director Cecilia Peck to raise awareness about sexual assault by publicizing her rape. In her documentary, Brave Miss World, Linor is seen in a vulnerable light as she is supported by her family and friends. The documentary team has screened the film in numerous locations, including in DC. Last year, AWARE’s parent organization, JCADA, cosponsored a screening at the Washington DC Jewish Community Center. Linor is using the documentary as a platform to encourage victims to share their stories like she did and to shed light on the trauma that survivors of rape experience. 

Unfortunately, Linor’s story is not an uncommon one. One in five women will be raped in their lifetime.¹ Coping after trauma can be extremely difficult. Victims of sexual assault are six times more likely to suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) than the average person.² Despite having endured a horrible trauma, Linor is still determined to raise awareness about sexual assault and to support other survivors. Brave Miss World follows Linor as she travels the world, speaking at several conferences and talking one-on-one with fellow survivors. It includes interviews with her family members discussing their reactions to her rape and how they manage to support each other as well as Linor as she recovers.

Linor received her mother’s support immediately after the attack. Her mother, Aliza Abargil, comforted her over the phone, and even called Linor’s boyfriend to find somebody in Italy who could help Linor report the crime to the Italian police. Aliza remained supportive of her daughter throughout the legal proceedings and after Shlomo was convicted and imprisoned in Israel. She was further supportive when Linor decided to revisit her trauma by creating a documentary eleven years after the rape. Linor attributed wanting to become an advocate for rape victims to her mother and her continued support.

Without support, victims may feel powerless, defeated, helpless, and alone. It is important for victims to receive support from others immediately because it not only encourages them to seek help, but it also can make them feel safer. Believing a victim’s story can also help empower a victim and help them understand that what happened was not their fault. RAINN, America’s largest anti-sexual assault organization, provides several ways someone can help support a survivor:

·         Listen. Be there. Don’t be judgmental.

·         Be patient. Remember, it will take your loved one some time to deal with the crime.

·         Help to empower your loved one. Rape and sexual violence are crimes that take away an individual’s power, it is important not to compound this experience by putting pressure on your loved one to do things that he or she is not ready to do yet.³

The documentary serves as a global support system for survivors all over the world, but by following the comforting and encouraging family Linor has, it also depicts exemplary ways for friends and family to support and help survivors of sexual assault.

---

1 “Sexual Violence: Facts at a glance,” National Center for Injury Prevention and Control—Center for Disease Control, 2012, online, accessed July 28, 2014, http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/pdf/SV-DataSheet-a.pdf.
2 “Who are the victims?” RAINN, 2009, online, accessed July 28, 2014, https://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims. 
3 “Help a loved one,” RAINN, 2009, online, accessed August 6, 2014. https://www.rainn.org/get-help/help-a-loved-one.

College Essentials: Rain Coat, Ramen and Pepper Spray

By Katie McRae, JCADA Summer Intern

A friend of mine once told me that there are only three things you need for college: a rain coat, Ramen noodles, and pepper spray. While the necessity of the rain coat and the noodles was self-explanatory, I remember laughing at the seemingly outrageous idea of the pepper spray. I was unable to connect the dots between the protective pepper spray and the ever-present threat of sexual assault. In my own suburban reality, sexual violence was something I’d only experienced through marathons of “Law and Order: SVU.”

However, through my internship at JCADA this summer, I have come to understand that the pepper spray represents a harsh reality for young women and men. Sexual assault also exists in the suburban lives of my neighbors and friends-- not just in the television lives of strangers on city streets. Assault is not always perpetrated by strangers, but has the capacity to emerge in relationships of all ages. Sexual assault is real and is happening around us. On a college campus, there is always a risk that you might have to use the pepper spray. Whether it is a late-night walk to the dorm from the library or a night out in an unfamiliar environment, there are serious looming threats.

In George Will’s June 6, 2014 editorial in The Washington Post, he glorifies sexual assault on college campuses and says the survivors have a “coveted status.” I cringe at the idea of shaming victims and diminishing the understanding of sexual assault and its seriousness.

Sexual violence on college campuses is a serious issue-- and a vastly under-reported one. Many college campuses do not have the disciplinary infrastructure in place to give survivors a safe place to seek help, which contributes to the under-reporting. According to Students Active for Ending Rape (SAFE), less than one-fifth of campus policies contain “amnesty clauses” that protect survivors who may have been under the influence during their attack. In addition, over two-thirds of campus policies allow for the discussion of the survivor’s sexual history and dress during disciplinary hearings.  It is university administrators’ responsibility, when a student comes forward, to provide support and assistance. As we know from all the recent news coverage, colleges have historically fallen short on this and the released statistics of mishandling sexual assault cases are too shocking to ignore.

“No” does not mean “yes” no matter what time you are walking back from the library. No matter what outfit you are wearing to that party. No matter how you are dancing with your friends. No matter how much you have had to drink.

Some campus policies are flawed and some newspaper articles reflect a poor understanding of the real issue of sexual abuse. No individual deserves to be sexually assaulted, and contrary to George Will’s editorial, surviving the traumatic experience is not a desirable status or something to exploit.

I am going off to college next year. I wish packing pepper spray was unnecessary, but the reality is that the spray will be tucked under my rain coat and Ramen noodles. All of us need to acknowledge the realities of sexual assault and engage in effective prevention efforts to lower its rates.  I am going to bring pepper spray to school because sexual assault happens. I don’t know what I am going to bring to combat the ignorance.  

Are School Superlatives Making Us Too Focused on Labels?

Valerie, a local eighth grade student in Montgomery County, MD, sent this letter to her school administration to start the conversation about the role superlatives play in creating a school culture focused on superficial labels rather than the value that each individual brings to the community. It is common for AWARE facilitators to hear that relationships are often seen as a status symbol and check out paragraph 4 for Valerie's take on "Best Couple":

I am writing to you about my concerns toward the eighth grade superlatives. I’m not writing out of sheer bitterness or worry that I won’t be voted for. In fact, I know a bunch of people who are voting for me for various superlatives. I’m writing because I honestly believe that these superlatives are just wrong.

To students with plenty of friends at school and higher places on the social hierarchy (A.K.A, the “popular people”), superlatives are just another fun way to compliment their friends and peers, but to people with bigger friendship circles outside of school, shy students, and generally “unpopular” students, superlatives tend to feel like a big insult. On the surface, superlatives seem like a fun way for students to be recognized for various achievements, but when you dig deeper, it’s just an unfair popularity contest that less mainstream or “invisible” students have no chance of winning. Even more appalling are the very categories within these superlatives. Let’s start with “Most Likely to Succeed.” What does that even mean? Most likely to have a high paying job? Most likely to have a healthy and happy life? And what makes only two people in the entire eighth grade able to succeed, implying that the rest of us are doomed to failure? There are so many different types of success and so many capable eighth graders to achieve that success! “Most Likely to Succeed” not only is too broad a category, but also rather insulting to the large number of eighth graders that are destined to succeed at something. After all, just like happiness and intelligence, success is immeasurable.

Then, there are categories such as “Prettiest Eyes” or “Best Hair.” Looks or facial features are not achievements that should be rewarded. No one can control his or her genes. People with great hair or eyes or an attractive figure are simply lucky, or choose to spend their time managing their looks, which, while it’s a perfectly valid way to spend time, isn’t a great, reward-worthy success. After all, everyone’s values and priorities vary. Not to mention, so many teens both male and female are insecure enough without having some being singled out for looks while others are reminded that they received less desirable DNA. Beauty standards are high enough these days without superlatives that reward people for simply being lucky.Another shocking superlative is “Mr. and Mrs. Stylish.” The first point I have to make is that there are so many different styles that people can have. I can name at least five. For people who have the opportunity, clothes are a way of expressing themselves, if they’re brave enough. Luckily, where we live, goth people can be goth, vintage lovers can feel free to proudly wear their saddle shoes, and mainstream people can stick with popular trends. Point is, like “Most Likely to Succeed,” “Most Stylish” is incredibly broad. So, are we rewarding the most trendy, mainstream students while ignoring those who have different clothing tastes? Or are we rewarding the most unique styles, while completely disregarding the majority group?Also, some people simply can’t afford stylish clothing. Name brand clothing is so expensive these days, and, with hunger and homelessness rates only increasing, it doesn’t seem fair to students who can barely pay for food, let alone, stylish clothing.

Finally, the category “Dynamic Duo” obviously refers to the best romantic couple in the eighth grade. First of all, some students simply aren’t ready to date, and that’s their mature, healthy, and perfectly acceptable decision. Other students have parents that won’t let them date, which is also perfectly acceptable. While having a great couple is a huge accomplishment, especially in the eighth grade, being in love should be reward enough. For students who have not been lucky within their love life, watching their peers win “Dynamic Duo” makes it very clear to these students that others have it better and are being rewarded for sheer luck. Not to mention, love should not be a social status. By making “Best Couple” a superlative, you’re sending us the message that love is nothing but a way to be more popular. And there are different ways to decide on “Best Couple,” because people, again, have different values. Who’s been together the longest, who’s “gotten farther”, etc. This superlative contradicts everything we learned in health class about positive relationships and not judging others because with this superlative, we’re rewarding others for what we see on the surface.Of course some superlative categories, such as “Most Likely to Take Over the World” or “Most Likely to be Famous” are great categories, but they exclude other students who aren’t very popular in our grade and have no chance of winning a popularity contest.

Please reconsider superlatives for next year’s eighth grade class, or at least the categories, as I’m sure it’s too late to make any changes now.
Thank you for taking to time to read this.

Does your school do superlatives? What do you think?
If you would like to share your thoughts with Valerie, email 3contactVal3@gmail.com.

Workshop Reflections: High Schools Share Their Experiences

Our AWARE workshop facilitators visit dozens of congregations, schools and camps each year and work with hundreds of young people. For this blog post, we wanted to give some of our participants a chance to speak for themselves and share what they get out of our workshops.

Today's quotes are from students at Walt Whitman High School in Bethesda, MD. 

"Before the workshop, I thought there was verbal abuse and physical abuse. In my scenario a girl was being harassed if she did not text her new girlfriend. It never occurred to me that that would count as abuse, but it does...some people don't know right from wrong, in respects to now they are treated if they have been in an abusive relationship and that is all they know. I thought it showed that when 'Emma' even said she didn't know how girl-girl relationships worked so she thought the excessive texting was just a part of normal relationships."

Food for Thought: Where is the line for you between texting as a way to communicate and as an unhealthy tool to harass or control someone else?

 "I know from my relationship, it is hard to make yourself see it's abusive because your boyfriend/girlfriend could be very good at being nice in between the abusive behavior. My parents didn't know how to help me so they gave me a hard time and tried to force me to see it by yelling and forcing me to end it and ban me from seeing/talking outside of school. This didn't help me see it. Luckily I had my therapist and friends. Finally, after getting back [together] and breaking up [again and again] for 8 months [then we broke up for good.] This workshop really helped me realize it was abusive. It took me until just recently to really see that." 

Food for Thought: Who would you talk to if you needed help? 

"The most informative piece of information that I was able to take away from the workshop is that I have the right to say 'no.' I can change my mind if I want. I can control my own body. I have the right to set my own limits and have those limits respected. I also have the right to not be psychologically hurt by anyone, including friends, family members, dates, or strangers." 

Food for Thought: If you had to make a list of dating rights, similar to this, what would yours include? 

We are very grateful that these teens were willing to share their stories and their experiences with us. Want to bring an AWARE workshop to your school, youth group, or camp? It's easy! Just contact Leah Siskin at leah@jcada.org!

"One Billion Rising" Against Injustice to Women

This month is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (#TDVAM). One of our guest bloggers this month is Sarah Ibarra-Pratt. She is a high school senior at Walter Johnson High school and began interning with JCADA just a few weeks ago!

This Valentine’s Day, my high school’s feminism club marched from the steps of the Supreme Court, down Independence Avenue to the bottom of the Capitol as part of the second annual One Billion Rising campaign. This campaign, begun last year by playwright and activist, Eve Ensler, was her reaction to witnessing the “single nightmare” of violence against women in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.¹ What she saw shattered and changed her forever. One Billion Rising is meant to encourage women and girls to speak out “at the places where they need justice, where they need an end to violence.” The name “One Billion Rising” is taken from the statistic that approximately 1 in 3 women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime. That is one billion women. On February 14, people around the world gathered to rise against this injustice. We rise not only against the atrocities taking place in the DRC, but also the everyday acts of violence against women that are pervasive throughout our culture.

One Billion Rising allows for region specific issues with violence, both partner and non-partner violence, to be addressed at a grassroots level by organizing many different events throughout the world. For the rally in front of the Supreme Court, a few of the goals and issues specifically addressed were justice in the courts for military sexual assault, ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment, passage of the International Violence Against Women Act; sexual assault and violence on campus; internet bullying; sexual shaming; street harassment; as well as the judicial blind-eye given to cases of rape, incest, domestic violence and stalking. According to the event page, “Whatever you rise for or against, let’s band together to make the movement strong!”

I rise for an end to domestic abuse of any kind. In understanding how this campaign ties into domestic abuse and JCADA’s mission specifically, only a quick glance at a few statistics reveals the grave situation of partner violence in the US and around the world. In a recent analysis, “35% of women have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence.” The study emphasizes that most of this violence is comprised of intimate partner violence.² Almost one third of all women around the world, who have been in a relationship, have experienced physical and/or sexual violence by their intimate partner.³ In Australia, Canada, Israel, South Africa and the United States, intimate partner violence accounts for between 40 and 70 percent of female murder victims.

These figures are a wakeup call and while Valentine’s Day has passed, I challenge you to find an opportunity to rise. Rising does not necessarily mean going to a protest or marching in the cold for justice. Rising can be showing your support for a friend or listening to someone who has been silenced.

^1. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eve-ensler/war-on-women-in-congo_b_204949.html

^2. http://www.unwomen.org/en/what-we-do/ending-violence-against-women/facts-and

   figures#sthash.oxtXIUgE.dpuf

^3. http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs239/en/

Being Connected Is Important! But, When Is It Too Much?

This month is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (#TDVAM). Our guest blogger this month is Alyse Shulimson. She is a high school senior and interned with the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse (the organization that runs AWARE) from September until January.

In today’s world, everything is connected. Even when we’re not with people, we’re still somehow communicating with them and hearing about their lives - whether it’s through text, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or the numerous other social media sites.

           Being connected definitely has its benefits. We can keep in constant communication with friends who live thousands of miles away by simply pressing a few keys. We can see pictures from across the globe, without leaving our chair. We always have an abundance of ways to contact whoever we want within seconds.

           However, being this intertwined in the lives of other people can provide many disadvantages, and can create opportunity for conflict, especially when it comes to dating. With the rise of social media, technology abuse has become a common method of abuse.

  Excessive texting poses many problems for victims of domestic abuse. According to the New York Times, in extreme cases partners have sent around 200 to 300 texts a day, demanding to know the specific whereabouts and activities of their significant others. The texts typically get angry and threatening if the other partner doesn’t respond. According to Dr. Pollack, the director of the Center for Men and Young Men at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, nonstop text messages from one partner to another demonstrates an outlet for power and control, even while the two are not physically together.

           Our interconnected society also provides many possible outlets for abuse even after a relationship has ended. A new phenomenon, “revenge porn,” is beginning to emerge. New social media sites allow people to anonymously post naked pictures of their former lovers. The picture is publicly posted for viewers to rate, and it can be traced back to personal information about the person, such as their name and address.

           Revenge porn has been emotionally and socially catastrophic to people involved. Especially with apps such as Snapchat, it’s increasingly easier to keep a compromising picture of somebody else. Although the picture may appear to only last a couple of seconds, in reality, it can last forever if someone takes a screen shot of it. 

 In October, California passed a law making someone accused of revenge porn susceptible to a $1,000 fine and up to six months in jail. However, this law only applies if the distributor also took the photograph. It does not protect an individual who took a nude picture of herself, and sent it to someone who later put it on a site. However, other states, such as New York and Maryland, are working on creating more efficient legislation against revenge porn.

           It’s important to be aware of the dangers that can come from being part of a society that revolves around constant communication. It’s OK to disconnect for a while, to turn off the phone and spend time with family and friends. And, before sending a compromising picture to someone, think about the lasting impact it could have. While our world and ways of communication are rapidly changing (mostly for the better), we need to know how to approach it safely and responsibly, especially when it comes to relationships.    

 Remember that everybody has the ability to see anything that is publicly posted on the Internet. If you feel abused on Facebook or any other social media site, you can make an anonymous report, and they will take it down, or, in severe cases, contact the authorities. For more tips on how to safely navigate the web, check out Facebook’s safety guide, which can tell you what to if you encounter a threatening situation online. 

https://www.facebook.com/safety/tools/